If you know me at all, you know that I am truly an
individual. But there’s one thing that stands out even more than my height, my
tattoos, and even my artistic ability. The thing that REALLY makes me different
is my story of fatherhood.
Due to two deployments, I was unable to be there for the
births of either of my sons. I wasn’t able to be there for my wife during her
pregnancies. I wasn’t able to see her as she progressed through the stages
(pictures are one thing, but not the same), and I wasn’t able to take care of
her. If you know her at all, then you know she’s one tough woman…the toughest I
know. So, needless to say, she did it
all. She took care of herself and our children, and I feel I got a free pass
into parenthood.
Now the question I have to ask myself, “did I deserve it?” I
was the one who got her pregnant, but is that what really makes you a father? I
suppose as far as the law is concerned, it does, but I feel like I didn’t play
a role in the rest of the process. I feel like I snuck my way in to fatherhood,
and began the game after halftime, and once my team already had a commanding
lead. If this was a game, fans would see me as someone who only wanted to be in
it once it became easy, and that’s not how I like to play. I want to be the MVP and in this case I wanted
to be the Most Valuable Parent (co-MVP with Traci of course).
I feel as though I have done a pretty darn good job in
helping raise our boys. I try at least. But there is still that stinging
thought in my head that’s reminds me that I haven’t done everything. I didn’t see
my wife give birth. I didn’t hold her hand while she was in labor. I didn’t cut
the cord. I didn’t stand up to her doctors when she knew they were making bad decisions.
I didn’t do any of it. Half of what created those boys was absent, and it saddens
me that I wasn’t there for them and their mother. But God has a plan for me. He
has tested me and Traci, and now I’m starting to feel like I’m going to get the
opportunity to get that A+ in parenthood.
When Traci and I began the discussions on having another
child, my first thought was “I NEED TO BE THERE!” we began talking about
different options on how to go about getting pregnant, and we concluded that I would
get a vasectomy reversal (I got snipped after Eli). As the talks continued, we
began discussing the option of a home birth, which would be a first for the
both of us, and an experience that I cannot wait to share with her. I am so
thrilled that I will be able to be there for her every step of the way, and I think
she will see me in a totally different way when it’s all said and done. I think
I will see myself differently as well, because this event will change me
forever. I want to do everything! I’m so excited that it’s becoming hard to
write the more I think about it. This journey, although still in the early
stages, is already making me see things differently, and I am looking forward
to the changes still to come. And I couldn’t be happier, and couldn’t have a
better partner to share it with.
Until Next Time,
Jay
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