Today I saw my therapist. I must say I love her and I'm so happy to be in therapy. I have a lot of emotional hurt and trauma to work through and today we focused on one in particular. The trauma of my birth experiences. Mostly, Jayson's birth was traumatic. Many people won't understand. I've heard the "You should just be happy and grateful for a healthy and happy baby", trust me, I am. But that doesn't change the fact that the process of giving birth to my son was traumatic, emotional, hurtful and scarred me for life. Not just a physical scar but an emotional one too.
Everything about my pregnancy seemed normal. I was healthy and the baby was healthy. I had a birth plan and I thought I knew how everything would go. Except, I didn't do ANY research on the actual birth. I spent my whole pregnancy planning for AFTER the birth and not planning FOR the birth. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made in all of my life and every day I deal with the regret of that.
At about 10pm Sunday, March 4th 2007, I went into labor. I was so excited. My mother in law had just arrived that morning, we had gotten so much done. I finally had help around the house and with errands since Jay was in Iraq. Well, as she went to bed and I settled in for a chat with Jay on the computer, I started feeling these weird cramps. At first I just thought it was gas or the baby pushing on me but after a while I realized, it was labor. I was having light contractions. About an hour later I wake up Lori and let her know I was in labor. We start timing my contractions. By 2 am, I decide I need a shower before I go to the hospital. I get up stairs to get a quick shower and realize I'm bleeding. At the time I didn't realize it was normal. I panicked and made Lori take me to the hospital right away. We get there and they make me wait in the waiting room for almost an hour before they take me back to the triage area. I get to triage, I was 4 cm and they admitted me. As I get moved to a room, Lori ran back to the house to get my bag since we left it behind assuming we'd be sent home with false labor. While she was gone, the anesthesiology comes in to tell me that I have to get the epidural now or never because she was going into a c-section and by the time she comes out, I won't be able to get one that far into labor. So I get it because I was afraid of not being able to later if labor gets too intense for me to handle. Of course, had I done my research I would have known that epidurals are known to stall labor, which it did. So the doctors gave me pitocin to speed my labor back up, and had I done my research, I would have known that pitocin causes intense excruciating labor that causes babies to go into distress, which it did. And had I done my research, I would have known that a baby in distress most likely leads to cesarean births, which it did. The biggest thing that bothered me was that I was 10 cm and told I would push soon. They had to line the baby up to the birth canal and then we'd be ready. I was told to roll over onto my left side and that's when the baby's heart rate dropped. So I was told to roll back onto my back and try again. Jayson's heart rate dropped again. Instead of trying to reposition baby by pushing on my stomach or for goodness sake, reaching in and lining him up that way, they immediately told me I had to have a c-section. I started crying, saying No! I wouldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. No one would tell me WHY! Why did I HAVE to have a c-section?? I will never really know the answer to that question. But I regret daily that I was young and stupid. That I didn't do the research that was so readily available to me. That I didn't know to stand up for myself. That I didn't have the support to refuse the c-section.
I had a repeat c-section with Elijah. Not because I wanted to. But because my husband was again, in Iraq and going to miss the birth of his son. We chatted daily and we along with his CO, comprised a plan. If I had a planned birth (repeat c-section) then maybe she could push for him to come home to be there for the birth. But no, he wasn't allowed. The Battalion Sergeant Major refused. Absolutely, straight up REFUSED. I will always have disdain for that man. So I had a repeat c-section, which was amazing compared to my emergency, traumatic c-section, but still a c-section.
I long for a natural birth. I long for a birth I was meant to have. I long to feel normal and not broken. I long to experience the miracle of life. I know some people will roll their eyes and again say that "At least you have two healthy, beautiful babies." Yes I do. I do have two beautiful, amazing, smart, loving boys who I would give my life for in a heart beat but I don't have that experience. My husband never got to witness either of his children being born. There is a piece of life missing from our lives. I want that piece back. I'm going to TAKE that piece back. When we get pregnant, I will give birth vaginally, come hell or high water, I will give birth vaginally and my husband will be there to witness the miracle of birth. Not just any birth, HIS child's birth. I am educated now. I am strong now. I am not YOUNG now. I will stand up for myself now. I will plan, and research and make decisions for ME now. And for once in my life, I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about it. That alone is a break through of it's own.
<3 Traci
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