Hurry up and wait!

Yesterday, Jay got an email from his patient advocacy manager to let him know that the denied vasectomy reversal referral to Fort Lewis was overturned. The excuse they gave was that the cost of travel, lodging and food would have to come out of pocket. Uh... I was under the impression that we would have to pay for travel, lodging and food no matter where he went. Thankfully the patient advocacy already knew we were willing to pay to go where ever was best and explained this to the Col. who denied it in the first place. 

So, they put in a referral yesterday for Fort Lewis. Hopefully in the next 6 months or so we will receive a call to schedule Jay's pre-op and surgery. Jay called Fort Lewis Urology Department today but they still haven't received the referral. He'll probably call again on Monday to check again and from there we'll play the waiting game. It's going to be a long and stressful time, I'm sure. But we'll try to not stress about it. We have so much other stuff going on that I'm worried that his time with come when he's not able to go and we'll have to wait longer. 

Fortunately and unfortunately, he leaves for training in October. I say fortunately because this means he'll be working towards becoming a Warrant Officer but unfortunately because we have no idea when the phone call will come. He'll return from training early December but start another class here in AZ in January. Which means he won't be able to leave from January to March but again, we have no idea when this phone call will come and if this training schedule will interfere. All we can do is wait on the list and pray that it works out. 

I want to start collecting baby stuff but I know it's still premature to do so. Plus we have no idea what we'll have. Though most people that know us believe we'll have another boy. lol Once we know when the surgery will be and where our next duty station will be, I can start planning out the birth. I'll have to do lots of research on the location, available service and costs. I'm going to fight for a natural birth as hard as I can. I just hope it won't be in vain. 

You're welcome to leave any comments of support and love below!

<3 Traci 

Research & Comparison

At this point we have two options for getting pregnant. There is the Vasectomy Reversal or Sperm Retrieval and IVF or IUI. I've been doing some price comparison and some success rate comparison. 

It's difficult to compare because the success rate of a reversal doesn't include the success rate of actually getting pregnant, IVF/IUI does. So a success rate for a reversal is about 93% but the success rate for pregnancy is around 50% which is comparable to the success rate of IVF or IUI. 

The price for each is around the same but with the reversal it's $5,000-$10,000 for how ever many pregnancies we want to have. IVF or IUI is about $3,000-$9,000 per pregnancy. If we don't end up with multiples, we will probably go through it twice, which would double the cost. Most package costs I've seen for IVF or IUI is around $8,000-$9,000 but that's quotes based on infertility. 

We aren't even sure if I'm infertile or have any fertility issues. Right now, our only road block is a vasectomy reversal. It might not take as many tries at IVF/IUI as it would a woman with actual infertility issues. Would that lower the costs? Would I have to go through the testing that another patient with infertility would have to go through? Would not needing the tests lower the cost? If we could get pregnant at an IVF or IUI clinic for around $3,000-$4,000 then the price would be better than what we were quoted for a reversal. It's less money out of pocket at one time, which can make a huge difference in decision making. It's a lot of decisions to make. I think it's time that I saw a doctor about my options. I'm due for my yearly check up anyway so it comes at a perfect time. 

Has anyone dealt with these types of procedures before? IVF/IUI or Vasectomy Reversal, both not being covered by insurance and had to be paid out of pocket?  I know the only way to get accurate answers is through seeing the doctor but I'd like to have an idea of which path to take before hand just so we can do our research and know if we will follow through before wasting our time and/or money. 

This could be all for nothing. We PCS next spring and then we can switch providers, possibly opening up new locations for our referral.  We could get stationed at Fort Lewis, and be able to get on the wait list up there, but I don't want to waste this time when we could be waiting on a wait list. I'm frustrated by it all and want things to happen NOW but I know I don't have absolute control. I can only pray and try my hardest for things to work out the way I want. I'm not giving up. I still really want this. 

<3 Traci

Disappointment

I haven't posted in a while and I apologize for that. We went on vacation with the boys for spring break and had a blast. After we got home, we got some disappointing news. Jay called Fort Lewis to find out where he was on the list and was told that they didn't receive his referral. So he then called his case manager back to find out what happened, she said that the referral was denied by the OIC of the clinic (or something similar) because Fort Bliss was closer to our current duty station so that was were he'd be referred with no changes. Which doesn't make any sense to me because we have to pay out of pocket for any travel expense so why would where the referral be matter to the military? If Fort Lewis can do the procedure quicker and has a frequent rate of surgeries which means a better surgeon with more experience, why would they deny our request for the better opportunity? I just don't get it. We are planning on speaking with Patient Advocacy to see what our options are. But still the news is disappointing. So if Patient Advocacy can't help us, we will have to explore our options outside of the military hospitals.


We could pay for the reversal ourselves, which when we called the place in Tucson that specializes in reversals, they gave us a quote of $7800 for the whole procedure. 

We could see a doctor about sperm retrieval. If it's possible, what our success rate could be and if I'm even able to get pregnant. A big thing is we don't know the costs behind a sperm retrieval and IUI (intrauterine insemination) or IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). It might be cheaper and it might be more costly than a reversal. We will definitely have to weigh the costs, risks and success rates of each procedure and see what we are willing to go through for this to become a reality for us.


Tomorrow we have several phone calls to be made, from patient advocacy to urologists that preform sperm removal. Wish us luck! We're gonna need it!


<3 Traci

Bad news, Changes and Good news!

Yesterday started out rough but became better as we and the clinic staff here at Fort Huachuca, did some research. Before I go too far in depth with everything, let me lay out some of the information that we gathered BEFORE his PCM appointment. When I found out that there are military doctors at some larger posts that preform vasectomy reversals, we decided to see which posts had those doctors. We found out that Fort Bliss (approximately 4 hours away) had a department and doctor that did them so I told Jay about it and he made the phone call. During the discussion we found out that we need a referral from a PCM to get this done and that they didn’t do them often. Jay asked them if they had a waitlist and they said NO, that there weren’t that many people in that area seeking vasectomy reversals. So Jay scheduled his appointment with his PCM and last week his PCM said that he’d put in his referral.
Well, yesterday started out with a routine follow up phone call to Tricare to see if they had received his referrals from his PCM. When he went to his appointment to get the referrals the doc said he would put two in, one for the Urology Department at Fort Bliss and a second for Tricare to send him to a local Urologist. Jay called Tricare to see if they had received the referrals and they hadn't received anything. Jay was starting to get frustrated. We waited a week to give time for the referrals to get to Tricare and all that time seemed to be just wasted. So Jay called his clinic to find out if the referrals were even put in. He gets a hold of a case manager and he tells his story all over again, what we want to do, when he saw the doctor, what the doctor said. She told him that the doctor's notes were vague so all they did was put in a referral to Fort Bliss which was accepted. She then gave Jay the number to Fort Bliss to start his process.

Then he calls Fort Bliss and they tell him they could set up an appointment for Monday, April 1st. Sweet!! Is this the appointment for the procedure or a consult?? The clinic lets him know this is just a consult. After the appointment on April 1st, you'll be put on a wait list. So he asks how long is the wait list, he is told there are 45 people already on the list and they don't do them very often. Well crud, that's not going to work. So he calls his clinic back and speaks with his case manager again. He explained what information he received from the clinic at Fort Bliss and she said she would do some research for him to see if there were any other options at other clinics in the area. The “area: consists of the entire West Coast! After a few hours, Jay called her back to see what she had found out for him. She had called San Antonio, Fort Sam Houston, in hopes that their waitlist wasn't as long as Fort Bliss, or if it was that they did the surgery more often. She found out that San Antonio has a similar waitlist and surgery frequency as Fort Bliss, so she called Madigan Army Medical Center at Fort Lewis, WA. This is where the good news comes in.  Madigan does them rather regularly, weekly from what the case manager gathered and that while they aren’t sure the length of their waitlist, they do go through the list fairly quickly and that the time frame is anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months to get the surgery done. So she asked Jay if he would like to be referred to Fort Lewis and of course we said YES!

If we have to use our savings to get to Fort Lewis at the last minute we’ll do so. We just hope that friends at Fort Lewis would be willing to help us if the moment arises. No sense in getting all worried about that yet, we have no idea when we’ll get the phone call.

<3 Traci

When is Enough, Enough?

A question that gets asked more than most is, “when is enough, enough?” This is also a question that gets asked regularly when discussing the number of children a family is planning to have. Well, as most of us know plans change.

As you probably already know, Traci and I have two wonderful sons. One who is six and the other three. When we first starting discussing the number of children we wanted to have, Traci had said that she would like to have an even number, that way the ages could be close enough together so that none of the children would feel like the odd kid out. Of course my stance was “I don’t care how many we have, I’ll be happy anyway.” Well fast forward to my return from my latest deployment. Eli was only a month old when I met him, and I couldn’t have been happier or more proud of Traci for making it through another birth without me there. It was only a matter of time before the question was to be asked. I can’t recall the exact day or even month, but after we moved to Georgia, we started to discuss the option of me getting a vasectomy. Now something that most people don’t know is that when Traci was getting ready to have Eli, she had asked me if I wanted her to get her tubes tied once she gave birth.  This was a question that I didn’t feel ready for at the time. I told her no, because the thought of not being able to have kids any more made me feel a bit uneasy. So she didn’t. so now we are in Georgia, and the decision was made that I would go through the vasectomy surgery, and Jayson and Elijah would be our only two children.

The surgery itself was no big deal. I got awesome medication, and my doctor was amazing. People say how much it sucks, but truthfully, it wasn’t all that bad. I was in and out in a matter of just a couple hours, and I healed rather quickly. So the deed had been done. We were not going to have any more children….or were we?

Now here we are in good old 2013. Traci and I have decided that our family does not feel quite finished, and that we ARE going to have more children. Of course the first question that gets asked is “uh…haven’t you been snipped?”  Why yes, yes I have. But through lots of communication and hours upon hours of research, we have found tons of information as it pertains to vasectomy reversals. Now you may ask “have you thought about adoption, or even other means to get pregnant?”  Why yes, yes we have. But when it’s all said and done my opinion on the matter is this. When we have a child, I want it to be created by Traci and myself. I don’t want to have to put her through countless treatment sessions for some of the other options and I don’t feel right doing this any other way. Adoption would be a possibility, but in the end, I want Traci to be pregnant and I want to experience everything I have missed out on with her. Some may feel this is me being selfish, but this is our decision and we are a united front. We are moving forward in this direction, and we will continue to chronicle the progress.

So when it comes to kids, and the size of your family, when you ask yourself “when is enough, enough” you’ll know in your heart that the answer is _____.

Til Next Time,

Jay

Birth Options

While we wait for our referral to be accepted or denied by Tricare, I've been thinking a lot about my birthing options. Depending on when we can get the reversal done and when I can get pregnant, my options change depending on our location. 

Some people I know say to not "stress" until it's time to stress. I don't feel as though this is stressing. I'm researching my options dependent on my current duty station. As of right now, we will be stationed at Fort Huachuca until April or May then we will PCS. If we are able to get pregnant between now and July, I could have the baby here before the impending move. As of right now, we aren't sure what our next duty station will be but we're working with Jay's Branch Manager (the people that handle assigning duty stations) and have a list of potential duty stations. While I'm not sure which one we'll get, I'm able to research the areas around the duty station, the hospital policies on VBA2C (vaginal birth after 2 cesareans) and the local or state laws on a midwife assisted Home Birth. At this point, I'm willing to explore all options in order to have a VBA2C. While I would LOVE to labor and deliver in a hospital, where I know that they have the proper facilities to treat any emergency that might arise, I'm not willing to be limited by continuous fetal monitoring, epidural or induced if I go past my EDD (estimated due date). These are all things that could stall labor, cause fetal distress and ultimately lead to another c-section. While speaking with doctors the last time I tried to have a VBAC, I was told by several OBs and hospitals that this would be REQUIRED to even attempt a VBAC but fortunately for me, I had done my research and knew that the leading cause for c-sections (that aren't medically necessary before labor begins) is pitocin. I know that continuous fetal monitoring and an epidural can cause labor to stall which in turn causes doctors to try to artificially induce labor with pitocin, when they should have you walk, or take a bath to relax and let labor progress naturally. I don't want to be set on a path towards another c-section and that feels like that is exactly what an OB would want to do. Which is why I would prefer over anything to have a midwife. 

Midwives who work within an OB GYN office tend to only be allowed to see normal pregnant women. Such as patients with first pregnancies or prior vaginal births with no complications. Due to my history with pre-eclampsia (with Jayson's birth) and 2 cesarean births, I would not qualify to see a midwife with in an OB GYN office and have a hospital birth with a midwife. (All of my knowledge is based on my attempts at a VBAC in Virginia and Ohio, I can not speak for all midwives in all states, I'm still doing research) If I find a state or an OB GYN office that would allow me to see a midwife and use that midwife to have a hospital birth, I would be THRILLED! Though I believe it's doubtful, which causes me to believe my best option is a home birth with a home birth midwife. But before I go into detail of my options with a home birth. I will add some definitions with a little bit of opinion thrown in there for good measure...

Definition of Obstetrics and Gynecology (OB/GYN)

Obstetrics and gynaecology (or obstetrics and gynecology; often abbreviated to OB/GYN, OBG, O&G or Obs & Gynae) are the two surgical–medical specialties dealing with the female reproductive organs in their pregnant and non-pregnant state, respectively, and as such are often combined to form a single medical specialty and postgraduate training programme. This combined training prepares the practicing OB/GYN to be adept at the surgical management of the entire scope of clinical pathology involving female reproductive organs, and to provide care for both pregnantand non-pregnant patients. (Copied from Wikipedia)

An OB/GYN is a SURGEON! Yes, I know they are a specialist and they are probably very talented in assisting in a vaginal birth but they are still a surgeon. The first sign of distress whether it's fetal or in the mother, they want to cut. 

Definition of Midwife/Midwifery: 

Midwifery is a health care profession in which providers offer care to childbearing women during pregnancy, labour and birth, and during the postpartum period. They also help care for the newborn and assist the mother with breastfeeding.(Copied from Wikipedia)

The biggest difference I see in an OB/GYN and a Midwife is that a midwife's sole purpose is child birth. OB/GYNs deal with everything in the vaginal area from STDs, yeast infections, pregnancy, cancer, hysterectomies, etc. I would prefer someone whose whole job revolves around pregnancy and childbirth instead of surgery and ailments of the vaginal region. Which is WHY I feel as though a midwife would be a better option in my journey towards a natural birth, whether it be in a hospital or at home. Now whether I can find an OB or Hospital that will allow a midwife to assist me in the delivery of a child is a completely different story. 

As of right now, I'm leaning more towards a home birth than a hospital birth but the decision will really strongly depend on where we are stationed when I give birth so this decision is yet to be officially made. 

More about home birth options to come later...

<3 Traci

I love being pregnant, not the symptoms.

While I was pregnant with Jayson, I had the most horrible heartburn. I had never experienced heartburn this bad. I remember Staci (my sister) and I eating those Rolaids soft chews like they were candy while I visited with family when I was 6 months to 8 months pregnant. With Jayson, I didn't have much morning sickness. I got sick ONCE after cleaning up a friend's child who spilled a Danimal's smoothie yogurt on himself. I'm not a fan of yogurt so it made sense to me. Other than that, I had an upset tummy a few times but never really got sick. With Eli, the first trimester was a whirl of crazy hormones and morning sickness. I had the insane heartburn again but coupled with nausea and vomiting I lost approximately 20lbs in the first 12 weeks. I had morning sickness like it was my JOB. 

After reading all of that, anyone would assume that I HATED pregnancy, but I didn't. There is so much more to pregnancy than morning sickness and heartburn. There is the growing belly, feeling the miracle of life as the baby kicks and twists inside of you. I had this connection with both children that was borderline psychic. I loved shopping for little baby things and doing research on what had the highest safety ratings. Just spending hours upon hours of laying around, feeling the baby kick and reading through popular baby names made me blissfully happy.  The cravings. O-M-G the cravings. They were insane and intense. While pregnant with Jayson, my biggest craving was nacho cheese. Sage and I would go to the bowling alley for nachos or chili cheese fries, or to the movie theater for the pretzel bites with cheese (or of course, nachos). I HAD to have that cheese. I was obsessed with it. Other than that, I didn't have any big cravings that stood out, until I became pregnant with Eli. Eli was my Mexican child. Well, by that I mean I had to have mexican food. I ate Taco Bell like crazy. The nacho cheese was still a craving but more often than not I wanted Taco Bell. I probably ate more Taco Bell during that pregnancy than I ever did before hand, and I love me some Taco Bell! 

As I got bigger, I would become a little less comfortable and towards the end of the pregnancy I would get anxious and ready to have the baby, not necessarily because I was uncomfortable and hating life but because I wanted to see my baby! I was ready to hold him, love him and enjoy life with him. I wanted to watch him grow, learning new things and becoming an individual right before my own eyes. Anyone experiencing anything for 9 or more months would start to get tired of it and become ready for the next phase (or challenge) in life. That was the same thing with me. I wanted to experience child birth and being a mother. I was ready for my life to start after waiting for 9 months for someone else to become ready. 

After being pregnant twice and experiencing the good and bad that comes with being pregnant, I have to say I LOVED being pregnant. I didn't always love all the symptoms that comes with being pregnant or the circumstances I found myself in while pregnant, but I love the process of growing a child inside of me. 

 

October 2nd, 2006 (see Sage sitting in her car?? Hehe)

<3 Traci

Feeling Realer Than Real

When does becoming a parent become real? Is it when we first see that pregnancy test? Is it when the doctor confirms the test? Is it when the mother’s body begins changing? We all have had different experiences, and have “become” parents at different times. None of us are any more right than others, and there are so many variables that can change our outlook on this kind of event. And it’s not only the individual that determines this feeling, but also the child, and the event that lead to becoming a parent.

My first son, Jayson, was a true blessing. The story of his birth is truly a unique story. Traci and I were in Kuwait, when Traci noticed she had what appeared to be a bug bite on her leg. Concerned, she asked if I would escort her to the troop clinic to get it checked out. Once we arrived, she went to see the doc, and I waited anxiously in the waiting room. Well, needless to say, when she came out, we did not discuss a bug bite. She looked at me and told me she was pregnant. I was overwhelmed and overjoyed. I knew that she would be going home to the states, and that I was still looking forward to a 12-15 month deployment. I had a sense of relief as well. Traci would have been one of the only female soldiers attached to an infantry battalion, and would be conducting missions that would have possibly put her in harm’s way. So on that note, I was relieved. But I also knew right away that she was going to have to go through this experience all by herself. We had been married for less than a month at this time, and the biggest event to happen to either of us, would have to be experienced an ocean apart from one another. One of the last things I said to Traci before she left back for the US was, “Take care of yourself, and take care of our baby.” At this point, I knew we were going to have a baby, but “it” hadn’t hit me yet. And it didn’t for quite some time.

As time went on, Traci would keep me up to date on all the changes that were happening, the baby items she was buying, and sending me pictures of everything. These things were all awesome, and made me feel like I was a part of the pregnancy, even though I wasn’t there. Traci always included me, and I am so very appreciative for that. But I still didn’t feel like a parent. Then she has Jayson! I won’t go into the birth details (you can read Traci’s previous posts for that). Regardless, I had a ton of pictures sent to me, lots of emails and messages from the family, and I was finally a dad! But for some reason, I didn’t feel like a parent.

Well, the day finally was finally here! I came home, and waiting for me was my absolutely gorgeous wife, and a little six month old version of me that I saw in person for the first time. I was finally a parent! I held that little boy and couldn’t do anything but smile and cry. It was an unexplainable feeling that I had never experienced, and one that I will never forget. It was truly one of the happiest days of my life.

Fast forward almost seven years later. I am the proud parent of two boys, and in the process of planning the third. There has been so many things that we have done to start planning for our next child, that some people would think we are nuts. And we may be. But I digress. Having this level of involvement, for something this big, has made me already feel like a parent to a child that has not even been conceived yet. And it is an amazing feeling. Each day, the journey continues, and although our baby isn’t here yet, doesn’t mean I love them any less. Because it’s only a matter of time before we are holding that little blessing in our arms.

Til Next Time,

Jay

Keep Your Free Passes, I Don't Want Them

If you know me at all, you know that I am truly an individual. But there’s one thing that stands out even more than my height, my tattoos, and even my artistic ability. The thing that REALLY makes me different is my story of fatherhood. 

Due to two deployments, I was unable to be there for the births of either of my sons. I wasn’t able to be there for my wife during her pregnancies. I wasn’t able to see her as she progressed through the stages (pictures are one thing, but not the same), and I wasn’t able to take care of her. If you know her at all, then you know she’s one tough woman…the toughest I know. So, needless to say,  she did it all. She took care of herself and our children, and I feel I got a free pass into parenthood.

Now the question I have to ask myself, “did I deserve it?” I was the one who got her pregnant, but is that what really makes you a father? I suppose as far as the law is concerned, it does, but I feel like I didn’t play a role in the rest of the process. I feel like I snuck my way in to fatherhood, and began the game after halftime, and once my team already had a commanding lead. If this was a game, fans would see me as someone who only wanted to be in it once it became easy, and that’s not how I like to play.  I want to be the MVP and in this case I wanted to be the Most Valuable Parent (co-MVP with Traci of course). 

I feel as though I have done a pretty darn good job in helping raise our boys. I try at least. But there is still that stinging thought in my head that’s reminds me that I haven’t done everything. I didn’t see my wife give birth. I didn’t hold her hand while she was in labor. I didn’t cut the cord. I didn’t stand up to her doctors when she knew they were making bad decisions. I didn’t do any of it. Half of what created those boys was absent, and it saddens me that I wasn’t there for them and their mother. But God has a plan for me. He has tested me and Traci, and now I’m starting to feel like I’m going to get the opportunity to get that A+ in parenthood.

When Traci and I began the discussions on having another child, my first thought was “I NEED TO BE THERE!” we began talking about different options on how to go about getting pregnant, and we concluded that I would get a vasectomy reversal (I got snipped after Eli). As the talks continued, we began discussing the option of a home birth, which would be a first for the both of us, and an experience that I cannot wait to share with her. I am so thrilled that I will be able to be there for her every step of the way, and I think she will see me in a totally different way when it’s all said and done. I think I will see myself differently as well, because this event will change me forever. I want to do everything! I’m so excited that it’s becoming hard to write the more I think about it. This journey, although still in the early stages, is already making me see things differently, and I am looking forward to the changes still to come. And I couldn’t be happier, and couldn’t have a better partner to share it with.

Until Next Time,

Jay

Healing from Past Experiences

Today I saw my therapist. I must say I love her and I'm so happy to be in therapy. I have a lot of emotional hurt and trauma to work through and today we focused on one in particular. The trauma of my birth experiences. Mostly, Jayson's birth was traumatic. Many people won't understand. I've heard the "You should just be happy and grateful for a healthy and happy baby", trust me, I am. But that doesn't change the fact that the process of giving birth to my son was traumatic, emotional, hurtful and scarred me for life. Not just a physical scar but an emotional one too. 

Everything about my pregnancy seemed normal. I was healthy and the baby was healthy. I had a birth plan and I thought I knew how everything would go. Except, I didn't do ANY research on the actual birth. I spent my whole pregnancy planning for AFTER the birth and not planning FOR the birth. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made in all of my life and every day I deal with the regret of that. 

At about 10pm Sunday, March 4th 2007, I went into labor. I was so excited. My mother in law had just arrived that morning, we had gotten so much done. I finally had help around the house and with errands since Jay was in Iraq. Well, as she went to bed and I settled in for a chat with Jay on the computer, I started feeling these weird cramps. At first I just thought it was gas or the baby pushing on me but after a while I realized, it was labor. I was having light contractions. About an hour later I wake up Lori and let her know I was in labor. We start timing my contractions. By 2 am, I decide I need a shower before I go to the hospital. I get up stairs to get  a quick shower and realize I'm bleeding. At the time I didn't realize it was normal. I panicked and made Lori take me to the hospital right away. We get there and they make me wait in the waiting room for almost an hour before they take me back to the triage area. I get to triage, I was 4 cm and they admitted me. As I get moved to a room, Lori ran back to the house to get my bag since we left it behind assuming we'd be sent home with false labor. While she was gone, the anesthesiology comes in to tell me that I have to get the epidural now or never because she was going into a c-section and by the time she comes out, I won't be able to get one that far into labor. So I get it because I was afraid of not being able to later if labor gets too intense for me to handle. Of course, had I done my research I would have known that epidurals are known to stall labor, which it did. So the doctors gave me pitocin to speed my labor back up, and had I done my research, I would have known that pitocin causes intense excruciating labor that causes babies to go into distress, which it did. And had I done my research, I would have known that a baby in distress most likely leads to cesarean births, which it did. The biggest thing that bothered me was that I was 10 cm and told I would push soon. They had to line the baby up to the birth canal and then we'd be ready. I was told to roll over onto my left side and that's when the baby's heart rate dropped. So I was told to roll back onto my back and try again. Jayson's heart rate dropped again. Instead of trying to reposition baby by pushing on my stomach or for goodness sake, reaching in and lining him up that way, they immediately told me I had to have a c-section. I started crying, saying No! I wouldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. No one would tell me WHY! Why did I HAVE to have a c-section?? I will never really know the answer to that question. But I regret daily that I was young and stupid. That I didn't do the research that was so readily available to me. That I didn't know to stand up for myself. That I didn't have the support to refuse the c-section. 

I had a repeat c-section with Elijah. Not because I wanted to. But because my husband was again, in Iraq and going to miss the birth of his son. We chatted daily and we along with his CO, comprised a plan. If I had a planned birth (repeat c-section) then maybe she could push for him to come home to be there for the birth. But no, he wasn't allowed. The Battalion Sergeant Major refused. Absolutely, straight up REFUSED. I will always have disdain for that man. So I had a repeat c-section, which was amazing compared to my emergency, traumatic c-section, but still a c-section. 

I long for a natural birth. I long for a birth I was meant to have. I long to feel normal and not broken. I long to experience the miracle of life. I know some people will roll their eyes and again say that "At least you have two healthy, beautiful babies." Yes I do. I do have two beautiful, amazing, smart, loving boys who I would give my life for in a heart beat but I don't have that experience. My husband never got to witness either of his children being born. There is a piece of life missing from our lives. I want that piece back. I'm going to TAKE that piece back. When we get pregnant, I will give birth vaginally, come hell or high water, I will give birth vaginally and my husband will be there to witness the miracle of birth. Not just any birth, HIS child's birth. I am educated now. I am strong now. I am not YOUNG now. I will stand up for myself now. I will plan, and research and make decisions for ME now. And for once in my life, I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about it. That alone is a break through of it's own.  


<3 Traci