Approaching 40 weeks pregnant

As I'm sure many people are wondering how I'm doing as I approach my 40th week of pregnancy, I'm over being asked. At 38 weeks, I deactivated my Facebook page and went silent for the most part. The constant question of if I've had the baby yet is really annoying and I was becoming irritable. As I get closer to my due date, people have taken to asking my close friends and family if I've had the baby yet. 

When did this stop being MY news to share? No, I have not had Parker yet. Please don't call or text my mom or husband (or anyone else) to ask if I have. We will tell the world when we are ready. I do understand that everyone is excited and trust me no one is more ready for this baby to be born than I am. But I am not just having another baby here, I am overcoming eight, yes...EIGHT years of birth trauma. I am gearing up to do one of the hardest yet most rewarding things I will ever do in my whole life. I don't need the constant questions or check ups. I need love, support and my peace. Almost exactly eight years ago I was taken down a path in my birth I wasn't mentally, emotionally or physically ready to go down. I spent several months with postpartum depression and I was on antidepressants after giving birth to Jayson. I am taking control of that path and changing the outcome this time. This takes so much mental and emotional energy on top of just being pregnant that I can't handle the constant questions, comments and concerns of the people peering in. I'm sorry I've shut you all out but I really have done so for my benefit. 

Maybe I'll have him tomorrow. Maybe I won't. When he's here and I am ready to share my story, don't for one second think you'll get out of hearing all about it. I am a sharer, some would say an over-sharer but this is one time in my life where I need the highest amount of privacy and consideration. 

Know that I love you all and I will be back to chat with you all soon. 

Until then, 

Traci

Why hiring MY doula was life changing

It's been about a month since I posted. I am 33 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Parker and myself are doing great! We're perfectly healthy. Jay is a bit busy focusing on his health and fitness journey. I'm glad he has something to focus on other than me. Honestly, being the guy during a pregnancy has to suck. Everything is their fault and everything falls on them to pick up the slack when the exhaustion, nausea or just irritation sets in. He's handled it like a boss and I'm so proud to have my awesome partner during this pregnancy. Kudos to him for trying so hard to be full of grace and love during my ups and downs of this pregnancy.

During this past month, I've made some huge strides in my inner well being and have come to peace with my decision to home birth. Surprised? I am too! I thought I was resolved and at peace with having a home birth. It's amazing how much you don't know about yourself until you've been put to the test! I started this pregnancy and this journey really, believing that I'd be most comfortable with a home birth if I had a hospital that followed my pregnancy and had a completely history in case I needed to transfer. That was a guise I told myself and the world to hide the fear I felt inside. Deep inside I was using that as my safety net for my fear of not being able to handle a home birth. I was terrified I would freak out, give up and give in to a hospital birth and probably ultimately another cesarean. This fear was so ugly that I kept it from the world. I didn't tell my midwife, my husband or even myself. I couldn't face it. Then the small little tidbit comments started from my doctor at Tripler. If my surgical records weren't there in time, she felt as though my only option was a repeat cesarean. That scared the shit out of me. I came home a complete wreck. With all my knowledge, with all the facts and all the support, it wasn't enough. My confidence wasn't there. I didn't believe *I* could do it. So I let those words shatter my whole world for that day. My midwife tried to reason with me but her truth wasn't my truth, yet. That day I found my confidence and I didn't know it yet. I met a doula on facebook through mutual friends on accident when I was looking at a Hawaii Military Wives group. The day the friend request was accepted was the day I let my doctor shake me to the core. She calmed me, chatted with me and reassured me. She didn't even KNOW me! Even if she didn't, I feel as though she saw how broken I was in that moment and knew I needed the support of someone only like herself. I could be raw and open with her without her questioning why I'm doing this if I'm not sure of it. Jay and I met her soon after and decided immediately that we needed her for this birth. She's already taught us so much. But the biggest thing she's done for us, for me really, is just be there and support my every decision.

Shortly after meeting and hiring my doula (Lea), Madeleine started opening up to me more. Our meetings went from patient/doctor to friends and confidants. She started telling me stories of her births and reassuring my fears in a way a friend would. A very medically knowledgeable and brilliant friend but with the kindness and love a friend would show. I attribute this to Lea's presence in my life.

Then during my most recent visit with my doctor, my fear took a tight hold of me and elevated my blood pressure. It wasn't "high" but it was higher. Enough for the doctor to comment on it, remind herself that I had pre-eclampsia with my first pregnancy and make a note to watch my BP for further hints of complications. I broke down. Madeleine and Lea have become my go-to people in my crisis mode after speaking with the doctor at Tripler. They're my safe haven. They're my anchor. They're why this birth is going to be the most epic thing in my life. I know things might not go the way I envision them but if Madeleine and Lea are by my side, this birth will be amazing compared to any other I've experienced.

Of course not everyone can have Lea specifically but now I understand the very strong push from the natural birthing community for moms-to-be to hire a doula. If you find the doula that meshes and syncs with you so beautifully they are down right essential. It's such a spiritual bond that it's almost difficult to put into words. Maybe I'm just lucky and Lea was literally sent to me for a reason but I urge everyone to find that person who you bond with instantly over tears and sorrow. Those are the people that will be the most supportive and raw people in your life. It's life changing. My doula won't necessarily be that for you but there is a doula out there like this for you. It was honestly terrifying to think of meeting and getting to know doulas because it such an intimate relationship that finding one is almost like dating. That's scary! But believe me when I say the reward is so worth the heartache of searching.

Of course I had the knowledge, I had the reasons and the right ideas, I just need the right frame of mind. No research can give you that. I'm as bull headed as they come but deep down I still have insecurities and fears. I let those chip away at me until the doctor found that chip and starting chiseling away too. Lea has helped me seal up those cracks in my resolve and I'm feeling more confident than ever about this birth.

So much so that I'm considering not seeing the hospital anymore after 35 weeks. I've come so far, I don't need or want the negative energy in my pregnancy, in my head or sneaking into my birth.

Last night during our most recent meeting with Lea, I remembered how much I've been through to get to this place in my pregnancy, in my life and in this birth. This month marks two years since Jay and I decided to get the vasectomy reversal and to try to expand our family. It took us until June to get the reversal, then another year of tears and heartache to get pregnant. I did NOT go through all of that to give up now. If anything those months of emotional roller coaster rides gave me the strength to push through, I just needed to figure out how to access it. Everything has been building up to this birth and I can't let myself down now.

The support from my friends has been absolutely amazing and I have to say thank you for not doubting me. Those that doubt me, it's alright. I feel like you've never experienced the trauma that I have and I pray you never do. Just know that each birth is yours and you alone have the power to decide how that baby is coming into the world, be it naturally, induction, c-section or any other method. Become educated about your options, decide what is best for you and your family and don't let a doctor or anyone else try to coerce you into something you aren't comfortable with.

I honestly want nothing but the best for each and every one of you. So if you have any questions about my research, my findings and my informed decisions, feel free to ask!


Until next time!

Almost one third of the way done!

Today I am 28 weeks pregnant with our little VR baby. He is healthy and going strong. Everything with me seems fine and dandy. My physician put in for my glucose test to be done this week. I just have to decide when I'm going to go in to do it. I hate these tests but I'm just gonna do it since I've never had any issues with them being negative before. I sort of just want to get it over with.

Since I'm healthy and Parker is healthy as of now, I've been thinking a lot about the "what ifs". I know what if's aren't necessarily a good thing to focus on but I want to have a plan, at least a general plan, in place IF something goes wrong. Like *IF* Parker is Breech?! What do I do? Tripler won't let women deliver a baby vaginally breech, no matter what their previous history is. My midwife isn't comfortable doing it at home since I've never delivered vaginally before. So do I succumb to giving birth via repeat cesarean again or do I fight tooth and nail for a vaginal birth because babies turn even in the last minutes?

Last week, I saw my physician for my 27 week check up and she made it clear that if she didn't have my surgical records from my previous cesareans then we would have to schedule a repeat c-section. That was a hard blow for me. Fortunately, when I went down stairs to records they had received my surgical records for my last cesarean but not for my first. Hopefully, that is the best option if we only get one. Wouldn't she want at minimum the most recent surgical record since it'll detail what it was like in surgery after the first surgery healed? Of course I worry anyway. What if we don't get my surgical records from eight years ago? Will she be set on scheduling a repeat surgery? Should I start looking for new doctors now or wait until I see her again to decide?

Then I have my fears. My past experiences haunt me. I won't give up my dreams of giving birth vaginally but my fears still sneak up from time to time. My biggest fear is another emergency c-section. That is the scariest (and more possible) outcome to me. Of course I find death of myself or my baby to be terrifying but it's not as likely a scenario.

I've had two deliveries, of those two deliveries the failure and emergency c-section was the worst. Not only is it soul crushing to fail (for me at least) but the recovery of an 'emergency cesarean' after hours of your body working tirelessly to give birth vaginally is excruciating and depressing. Lifting my infant was a painful chore for weeks, imagine being here with two very active older children on top of a newborn who is in desperate need of my attention at all times. Walking was damn near impossible for almost a week after the emergency cesarean, imagine trying to do anything outside of the home with three children, two of which are active and some what hyper. I couldn't maintain order the way a parent is supposed to. How would I grocery shop, run errands or go to doctors visits?

Of course, I want to give birth vaginally but to fail and end up in a c-section anyway is scary. There is no way to know if that will or won't happen. There is no guarantee that everything will go as planned. I'm preparing myself as best as I can but at the end of the day, I'm still scared of enduring that pain again. Hopefully this time around, I'll have my husband home to help me if I do have to have a c-section. He does get ten days paternity leave, with little to no leave left after our emergency leave. If I am lucky, my mom and sister will be here during the birth or at the very least after he's born (hopefully!) to help me out some but they're only here for a week. Hopefully Jay will be able to help even after his paternity leave by having shorter days or changing shifts to accommodate the family's needs. Only time will tell.

These are just a few of the things on my mind as I near the end of the pregnancy. In the end, things always work out and I'm far more resilient than I give myself credit for. Look at my track record, I've given birth via c-section twice to my babies while my husband was in a war zone. I think that gives me a little bit of "street cred". LOL!

Until next time,

20-21 Weeks

I just saw my PCM today after my ultrasound on Friday. Baby is doing great. My uterus is the size it's supposed to be for 21 weeks and everything sounds good with baby.

At 20 weeks and 3 days he was approximately 12 oz and 10 inches long. He's measuring about 4 days ahead of schedule but he has a really tall family so I'm not surprised at all there.

During the ultrasound, they noticed my cervix is shorter than they like it to be but still in their "okay" range. They want it to be no shorter than 2.5 but prefer it to be greater than 3 and I'm at a 2.6. I go back in on Friday to make sure it's not getting shorter because if it is shortening already that could cause some issues. It is one of the signs of preterm labor. The doctor was explaining to me today that if it is getting shorter, I'll have to go on bed rest and/or eventually have my cervix sewn shut to prevent preterm labor before baby is ready. Of course the one ultrasound is just a snap shot but the follow up on Friday should reveal whether or not I'm at risk. I'm curious if all of this is due to the stress I've been under plus all the traveling I've done the past month.

On the plus side, Parker is still doing great. He heart rate was strong today and I'm gaining weight instead of losing finally! I'm still one pound under what my pre-pregnancy weight was but doctor didn't seem concerned at all.

20 Weeks and going strong!

Until Next Time!

12 down, 28 to go!

This week I hit 12 weeks into the pregnancy. The chance of miscarriage drops greatly after this week, which is a huge relief. Baby's heartbeat is going strong and I even got a peek at baby at my OB appointment during week 11! 

Nausea is still hanging around but it's not too terrible. It's mostly just random spouts of dry heaving. It's not fun but much more tolerable than actually getting sick.

During my OB visit, my OB and I discussed a few things. One of those things is my Medullary Sponge Kidney and how it might affect this pregnancy. Of course, this is something I've had all my life but we recently found out about in the past two years. Since she wasn't sure if it would or wouldn't affect me, she put me in for a consult with Antepartum Diagnosis Center to be sure. Next, we discussed if she felt comfortable with my decision to VBA2C. While I do plan on having a home birth, I need to go into this journey knowing I have back ups if something falls through. If I become to nervous or anxious to birth at home, I want to know that I'm not signing consent to surgery just because I walk into the hospital. She seemed uncomfortable and that's mostly because she's NOT an OB/GYN. She's a family physician that delivers babies. She said she would discuss this with some high risk OBs and see if she can get someone to back her up so that I can TOLAC (Trial of labor after cesarean) and if anything goes wrong, there are surgeons and other emergent medical staff there to assist where my physician can not. I completely understand that. It makes absolute sense to me.

I saw the Antepartum OB this passed Friday and I had a WONDERFUL conversation with him. While walking to his office, he told me he is resident high risk OB. I immediately decided I would bring my plans to VBA2C. Of course we first discussed how my diagnosis could affect my pregnancy, he doesn't believe it will. He suggests that we go forward with this pregnancy just like any other normal healthy pregnancy and if something comes up at my 20 week anatomy scan then we will go from there. Then I told him about my plans to VBAC and asked what I should do since my physician seemed a little nervous about the idea. We discussed my previous births and why I had cesareans. When that was covered, he said I sound like an excellent candidate for TOLAC and that my physician will be completely backed up by OB since they're the ones on call. He even said he'd write her a note stating such. He really made me feel like I could do this! Which I was sooo happy to hear. He was such a great doctor who didn't try to scare me. He did go over the risks of a VBAC but he ALSO went over the risks of a third cesarean! He said as long as I know the risks of my choice, he and the OB clinic would support my decision. Such a wonderful and relieving visit.

To some this might sound silly that I'm so excited about this visit to see my doctors but having someone supportive means the WORLD. There was such a weight on my shoulders that I was worrying myself over how things would go if I didn't have a supportive hospital to back me up if I chickened out of the home birth. I like safety nets.

Now to move forward with my plans and prepare as much as possible before this little monkey arrives! 

Until next time! 

Be Still My Heart

After over a week of trying and searching for the baby's heart beat, I finally broke down and called Crystal to find out what exactly I'm looking for! I've read about it until I thought I knew what I was looking for but evidently I was wrong. I thought I was looking for a fast heart beat of about 150 to 170 bpm but I found out that it can vary depending on the age of the fetus and that as low as 90 bpm to 110 bpm is normal for weeks 7 - 8 but during week 8 it starts to pick up and by weeks 9 - 10  it should be up to 140 to 170 bpm. Of course we are no doctors and we may have even missed a few beats but I had Jay time himself and count the beats for a whole minute and it came out around 91-95 bpm and when we check my pulse to ensure we weren't accidentally listening to my heart beat, mine was about high 70's to low 80's.

Once we were pretty sure we had found the heart beat, we sat and listened for a while. I was the one holding onto the fetal doppler and the probe that locates the heart beat. I found a good spot and just let it sit there. While listening, I didn't move the probe at all and the heart beat started fading in and out and getting stronger and lighter. We were pretty sure by that point that it was baby and not one of my veins or arteries because they wouldn't move around like that. Jay was pretty excited.

For those that don't know, Jay and I have had two boys together but each time I found out I was pregnant Jay was on his way to Iraq. He's missed both pregnancies and births of our first two children and he has no idea what this is like at all. So last night, was his first time hearing one of his babies' heart beats from in the womb.  As we enter the time of midwife appointments, ultrasounds, and OB appointments, Jay will start to see some of the stuff I went through with both previous pregnancies. So far this first trimester has been a little of both my previous ones. With Jayson, I wouldn't have known I was pregnant besides the exhaustion. With Eli, I was sick as a dog most of the time and by the time the 2nd trimester came, I had lost a little bit of weight because of how nauseous I was. This pregnancy has had a little nausea here and there but sometimes I can't tell I'm pregnant except for I KNOW I saw the two lines and I haven't had my cycle since May! lol

I was supposed to have an appointment with the OB yesterday but they called and rescheduled it for August 5th since they want me to be past 10 weeks and I'm not yet. Today marks 8 weeks and 4 days so I will be 11 weeks on the day of my OB appointment. I also have a Midwife appointment on August 2nd and I have already scheduled our 3D/4D ultrasound (we didn't do this with the first two) to find out the gender at 15 weeks. Hopefully we'll be able to find out then, they said they can tell as early as 13 weeks but that seems way too early to me. I'm tempted to change our appointment so it's after I'm 16 weeks but I'm just too anxious to wait! When would you do it? After 16 weeks or after 18 weeks or just wait for the normal 20 week ultrasound?

Let me hear what you have to say!

The First Trimester Fears

I am now a little bit over the half way mark in my first trimester. The nausea has been off and on for about two or three weeks now. Yesterday was the first time I wasn't able to keep down my meal which wasn't fun at all. The heartburn has been pretty vicious but I have chronic acid reflux anyway so I can't tell if it's from the pregnancy or just my everyday life. I've been trying to not take Nexium as much since it blocks the absorption of iron and my prenatal labs came back borderline anemic. Other than the nausea, heartburn and mood swings, I can hardly tell I'm pregnant! LOL Oh and the random hits of extreme exhaustion. Those all seem like very easily remedied things. There are times when I seriously wonder if this is all real. If this is the baby I've been fighting for this past year. Not that I don't believe that I'm pregnant, it's just so hard to wrap my head around after such a long time of trying for this. There is no heartbeat to listen to (that can really be found yet), our insurance only covers ONE ultrasound and that's to check to make sure growth and size are appropriate around 20 weeks. I can't feel the baby yet, that won't happen for at least eight to ten week, if I'm lucky. I just feel like I'm in limbo until something shows me that everything is progressing the right way in there. It's quite scary after reading blogs, forums and groups of women going through the same thing and lots of them end up in miscarriage. The internet can be valuable to research but also, ignorance is bliss. Not knowing what could happen is so much nicer than knowing the odds of something going wrong.

I've been trying very hard to not live in a perpetual state of worry and stress. Most of the time I'm not, but sometimes that desire to know what's going on is just very overwhelming. I purchased a fetal doppler but of course I'm not far enough along to be able to hear the heartbeat on my own yet. I hear the earliest is about 9 weeks and I'm 6 weeks 5 days. According to the hospital, which goes by the LMP, I'm about week later at 7 weeks 4 days.  The conception date or ovulation date is more accurate but hospitals don't typically expect a woman to know when she ovulated so they don't even ask for that. I plan on informing them once I see an actually doctor or midwife instead of an in-take nurse.

In preparation for our HBA2C, Jay and I have been watching documentaries out the wahzoo! We've watched Business of Being Born, More Business of Being Born and Pregnant in America. They're all very informative and inspiring! I am probably as close to the hospital as I could be in this area so I have no concerns there. And as of right now, the hospital it self (represented by the few nurses I've spoke to in person and over the phone) seems very VBAC friendly but I'm just waiting on that good ol' "bait and switch"! I fully expect the doctor to be supportive but express concerns or restrictions on me to VBAC. Then as time progresses the doctor will slowly seem less and less supportive of my desire to labor naturally and eventually try to talk me into scheduling either a repeat c-section or an induction of labor. Both of which are wildly outside of what I feel comfortable with and what I have learned to be the correct route towards a natural birth. Inductions actually increase the risk of c-section by 67%! That's insane! One wrong decision and you're more than 50% likely to end in an surgery! So no inductions for me! JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS! Where did all of THAT education go?! I'm starting to go off on a tangent. My point is natural birth is what is supposed to happen! Yes, complications do arise and the medical interventions are wonderful to have in those RARE cases but these medical interventions are becoming heavily relied on to make the life easier, not on the mother, not on the baby or family but on the doctors! They get to have a nice and tidy 30 minute to an hour c-section and then they are on their merry way to their next patient or home for the night. Look at the statistics! Even my own mother is a statistic! Doctors induce labor during the week to avoid having to come into the hospital over the weekend, especially holiday or long weekends! My mother was induced to avoid labor and birth over Labor day. The doctors wanted their three or four day weekend to be uninterrupted, so what did they do? They induced my mother so she would have her baby earlier. Thankfully nothing went wrong but the risks were there. Were those risks fully explained to the patient before consent was given? Probably not, so many of the risks of induction and c-section are down played due to the doctor/surgeon feeling confident of their methods. But why are they so much more confident in artificial labor and surgical operations than natural labor?! What has happened in the past thirty years that have caused this spike in inductions and c-sections? Medical technology? Maybe, but I think it's more of the doctors relying on this technology rather than them trusting in nature. Pregnant in America really showed how backwards our medical system has become when it comes to births. I'm sure there are amazing interventions out there for things we had never dreamed of fighting but birth isn't an illness to be fought or cured.

I wish I had been this educated before I walked into Madigan Army Medical Center in labor with Jayson. I would have known to say no to the epidural, especially as early as 4-5 cm! I would have known it could stall my labor, which it did and I would have known that the pitocin used to start up my stalled labor could send the baby into distress, which it did. So yes my "emergency c-section" was probably necessary, but it was only necessary to save my baby and myself from the interventions that shouldn't have been used on me.


So here I am, almost 8 years later, pregnant with my third child and terrified of what might happen all over again. This time I am educated and supported. I am stronger and wiser. But at the end of the day, I can't predict how this will all go down, no matter how educated and prepared I am. I'm just hoping that my body does what it is supposed to do and I have a HBA2C that goes smoothly and without a hitch.  I have hired a midwife, who just in one meeting hit it off well with me and I can see us having a very special bond that I really just can't explain. I have a dear friend that has already stepped up and said she'll come out and be my labor support (aka doula). She isn't a doula but she is a wonderful friend who has given birth to 5 beautiful children, two of which were home births. As of right now, besides my midwife, her assistant and my husband, I plan on having my friend Crystal and my mother there with me. I am beyond terrified of my support system failing and breaking my spirit in a moment of weakness but this is a fear that I have due to past experiences. I can't let the past haunt the future. I have to have faith that everyone will hold strong for me and that I can draw that strength in my greatest time of need.

But for now, I just wonder if little one in there is doing alright and I can't wait to hear and see them!  I'm still torn on whether or not I want to know the sex but Jay wants to know so I feel bad if I withhold that from him. I found out on the last two and he was in Iraq so I feel almost obligated to give him this small part of the pregnancy.

Until next time,

It's HAPPENING!

My dreams of a natural birth are coming true! I met and hired my midwife today. I knew while in the office that she was the one and that I didn't need to shop around at all. I felt at ease, excited and confident while speaking with her. She spoke to me as a peer and not as an uneducated child who needed to be managed by her superior education, which I loved! She answered ALL of my questions and told me how the whole process would go. I absolutely adored her and we have only met once so far.

I really feel that this is the right path. I've never felt so confident in my body before today! I just finished the intake paperwork on their website and schedule my first appointment to see her. Today was just an interview/consultation. Not only is she a midwife but she is a Naturopathic Doctor also, which is very refreshing. I plan on keeping her on as baby's pediatrician for the first year so I don't have to hear all the lectures about a delayed immunization plan. She was very accepting of the idea and I loved how laid back and go with the flow she was. Never once did I feel judged for my decisions but instead I felt supported and encouraged to follow my intuition.

Now to ensure I have a healthy diet, exercise plan and positive mood surrounding this pregnancy to prepare me for labor. It will have been eight years since I've experienced labor by the time I have this baby. I think this time I will prepare better for labor pain management. Feel free to share the methods or classes you took to prepare yourself for labor. I didn't do anything before Jayson and I managed the pain fairly well up until I was "coerced" into an early epidural. I honestly believe that my sheer stubbornness and will to do this naturally COULD pull me through this but I'd prefer to be as prepared as possible instead of believing my body will tell me what to do when I get there.


I am approximately 4 weeks along, which is very early and the risk of miscarriage is still high. The risk should drop as I near and go past 12 weeks. Even with being fairly early, the exhaustion, heart burn and slight nausea have kicked in. So far it hasn't been unbearable but I feel like it will become difficult as I approach 12 weeks.


I'm feeling excited, relaxed and very sure about the path I have chosen for my birth. Even if we end up in the hospital, at least I KNOW I did all that I could to avoid unnecessary medical interventions. My midwife seems very sure about when and why we would want to do a hospital transfer and with everything we discussed today, I feel confident in following her guidance. Jay also seemed very at ease with everything too which gave me even more clarity about the path we have chosen.

Until next time,

Testing time!!

So I have been testing out the trigger (the ovidrel shot) and finally it disappeared around 8-9 days past the trigger. Here's a pic of my trigger progression. 

Of course yesterday was my last Wondfo (cheap internet home pregnancy test brand) so my progression stopped there. 

Since the IUI was on Dec 31st, my blood test is on the 14th! Tomorrow!! So I'll find out for certain if I'm pregnant or not tomorrow. 

On the 7th, I went in to have my progesterone checked. It came back low at 7.37 so I started progesterone supplements last week. It's supposed to help but so far it's caused a lot of pregnancy symptoms! 

Hopefully tomorrow brings good news! 

Until then,

Traci

Sick and cancelled IUI

Merry Christmas! I know I'm a few days late but better late than never, I say! I hope everyone had a great Christmas or holiday or whatever you celebrate. If you celebrate nothing, then I hope you had a happy day! lol

I started feeling bad on Christmas eve but I went to my appointment anyway. Jay and I started taking some airborne in hopes that we'd be able to fight off whatever it was we were starting to feel. Jay managed to fight it off. I was not as lucky. Christmas I was feeling worse but still managed to get through the day fairly smoothly. Yesterday was probably the worst day of all. My temp was high and my head was pounding. So I asked Jay to call the RE and cancel our appointment because not only am I sick but now my oldest son is feeling really bad too.  Jay and I have decided to move forward with a medicated "natural" cycle. Meaning, we're just gonna go at it like normal people and hope for the best! LOL Of course being sick isn't very sexy and I haven't felt "up for the task" but hopefully we can get back to our trying. With the higher temps due to clomid, possibly false positives on my clear blue digital advanced ovulation predictor kit, and the sickness throwing the rest of my temps off, it's really hard to know if I have or have not already O'd. I'm still testing with cheap ovulation test strips and those have not shown a positive so I'll keep going with that until I either get a peak or AF shows. I'm 14 days in to my cycle and if my ovulation date is like my past ovulations I should be ovulating between CD15 and 19. Only time will tell! Wish us luck! We're gonna need it!

Until next time!

Cycle Day 1 of our IUI Cycle

   Today is CD 1! (Cycle Day 1) So immediately I called the clinic to ask them what I should do. I had an appointment scheduled for the 19th of December because I thought I would start closer to then instead of now but my body decided differently! Thank goodness I have all of my medications ready! 

   On Monday (CD 3), I will start my clomid and continue taking it for five days. This is supposed to help my body create and mature my eggs better. There is a possibility of multiples as it can cause a few eggs to be released at the same time. Generally the risk of twins while on Clomid is about 10%, though it can be higher depending on the person, (Info came from here). At this point, I just hope I get pregnant sooner than later. The risk of having triplets or more is less than 1% so I'm not even worried about that. These numbers would be so much higher if we went on with IVF! So thank goodness for our opportunity to do IUI instead of IVF! 

  While speaking to the clinic, I was informed that I will be needing the HCG injections which I assume will be to trigger ovulation so we can schedule the IUI precisely with ovulation. They wanted to see me on CD 12 but that is Christmas Day so I will be going in on Christmas Eve to have an ultrasound to check if my eggs are ready to be triggered. I will probably then be advised on when to administer the trigger shot and an appointment will be scheduled for 36 hrs after I am given the trigger shot to do the IUI (intrauterine insemination aka artificial insemination). I also have progesterone injections from the prescription I was given when we were going to do IVF so I will discuss the use of those after the IUI when I see the doctor on the 24th. Progesterone helps with the thickening of the lining and the implantation of the egg. Hopefully, I will be given the go ahead on those.

   I'm excited and nervous! It's all starting. Hopefully this isn't a waste but I think that if we don't get pregnant this cycle, we will do a medicated non-IUI cycle next month. Hopefully the doctor is ok with that. 

Until next time,

The beginning of our IVF journey

  Yesterday we had our first appointment to start our IVF cycle. I received four medications. That turned into a debacle trying to get those scripts filled. Which then made me realize that once I start these meds, I'm going to be 100 times worse. I'm going to be given hormones to stimulate my cycle. I feel pity on my husband, my children and any poor soul I encounter in the next 30-45 days. Please pray for them, and me. lol 

   All this stuff starts next week, I have an appointment scheduled for the first day of my cycle. Then, hopefully they will explain to me how all of these medications work, how to take them and when to take them.  I'm feeling very confused and out of the loop on how this all works. The staff doesn't give a whole lot of details on what's happening and how it all works. Hopefully, they will at least explain the drugs and how to take them, when to take them and the appointments we have to make at our next appointment when my cycle starts. Until then, I'm reading what I can online.
   I found this general chart of the flow of IVF. This is helpful because now I have a general timeline. Thank goodness for the internet right?! 

Synarel/Lupron
(Approx. 12-15 days)

Baseline Ultrasound

Stimulation
(Approx. 10-12 days)

Trigger Shot

Egg Retrieval
(36-37 hours after trigger shot)

Embryo Transfer
(3-5 days after retrieval)

Pregnancy Test
(14 days after retrieval)

Ultrasounds
1st - Approx. 6 ½-7 weeks pregnant
2nd - Approx. 7 ½ - 8 ½ weeks pregnant
Release to OB at 8-10 weeks pregnant

The chart and any other information can be found here.

So as long as my cycle starts on time (C'mon Dec 19th!!), my time line is looking like we'd be able to find out if we're pregnant on Feb 1st or so. 

The more I read into this process, the more real it becomes. Let's pray one cycle is all we need! I'm feeling nervous, anxious and scared. At the same time, I'm excited, happy and can't wait to find out if this works. Is it too soon for baby names?? LOL 

Until next time,

IVF Pros & Cons List

Well the results came back and Jay's hormone levels are fine, which is good and bad. Good because he's healthy, YAY! Bad because it's his hormones which is something that could be corrected.

The sample he gave had sperm though none were moving but they were able to freeze two vials. These aren't good enough for IUI so this month is a bust. Next cycle I can start clomid (or similar) to stimulate ovulation so they can harvest eggs for IVF. Since the sperm are non-motile, we'll have to do IVF with ICSI. Which means that instead of putting my egg and some sperm in a dish and let the sperm try to fertilize the egg, they'll have to take a single sperm and inject it into the egg under a microscope. Then we wait to see if the eggs fertilize and then they transfer them to me and we hope they implant.

Here are some of the pros and cons of IVF.... it's not our only option but it's the one I'll focus on today. Tomorrow, Jay or I will discuss the pros and cons of another option.

Pros of IVF w/ICSI (If it works)
We get to...
experience pregnancy together.
experience the birth together.
biological child.
know the medical history of the family.
pick out names together.

Cons of IVF w/ICSI
We ...
spend thousands of dollars trying ($5550-6100 per try with military discount)
don't have a guarantee that it will work (42.5%-50% depending on the doctors success rate)
might experience failed pregnancies
have possible side effects of medications (clomid has side effects of being highly hormonal while on it)
might not get pregnant.

In the end it is a decision we have to decide on together as a couple and maybe even as a family. As of right now, Jay and I are leaning more towards IVF w/ICSI over adoption or any other route but there is a lot that goes into deciding, including how we would afford it. If you would like, there is a donate button the the right of the blog, feel free to click it and help us out with our saving for IVF.

Until next time,

Follow Up with Specialist on 9/5/13

Well, This past Thursday I had a follow up with the specialist. To be honest, when they schedule the appointment, I wasn't entirely sure what I was going in for. During the previous appointment the Friday before, they had done blood work and an ultrasound to confirm ovulation and we discussed starting clomid next cycle to help us along. That's a whole other set of concerns of mine but we'll get to that later. Then they said to schedule an appointment for next Thursday and I assumed it was to go over the clomid, how to use it, when to use it and give me my prescription on top of checking my progesterone levels at 7dpo. Two birds, one stone... except I was wrong. It was ONLY to check my progesterone. I got called back by a nurse or lab tech, she took my blood and then told me they would call me with the results. WAIT WHAT?! I drove an HOUR and half ONE way to get blood drawn?! I could have done that in Sierra Vista! Ugh. So now I'm irked that they didn't discuss exactly what we going on and what I was coming in for. Looks like I'll be a little bit more persistent about what I'm scheduling when I schedule it instead of just doing what I'm told.

Now the clomid part, when we originally saw Dr. Gelety, we discussed trying for a few months and switching to IUI around the 6 month mark. When I came in for the ultrasound, Dr. Gelety was very busy and RNP Marta did the ultrasound and blood work. Then she said that she wanted to start me on clomid next cycle. Wait, huh? I thought we were trying for a few months and then going to IUI around the 6 month mark? Of course I didn't ask her because I don't think she knows what she's talking about. So now I have to call the office and speak to someone who can find out what Dr. Gelety wants us to do because as of right now my guidance is to call when my period starts to get my prescription of clomid. Logically it makes sense to put me on clomid for a couple cycles before trying IUI to see if giving Jay some extra eggs to aim for helps instead of going straight from natural to IUI but I feel in the dark since no one actually laid out this path before me and explained things. Fortunately, I'm smart enough to draw fairly logical conclusions as to why they're doing it but I would like to understand the thoughts and process the doctor is putting us on. I do really like Dr. Gelety and I don't really know Marta yet but I've heard some bad reviews about her. I don't foresee me really liking her and her approach. Hopefully I'll see Dr. Gelety only from here on out.

Today I am 9dpo and am anxious to find out if I'm pregnant. Aunt Flo should show no later than next Friday but I know I'll be testing between now and then. Wish me luck!

Until Next Time,

Second Fertility Appointment Update

Today was my fertility appointment. They did an ultrasound to check my uterus lining and ovaries. I ovulated yesterday from my left ovary and the ultrasound showed exactly that. It's nice to know how in tune with my body I've become over these past few cycles. Three months ago I wouldn't have been able to tell you if I've ever ovulated a day in my life (except the two beautiful children that prove that I have at least twice) but now I can pin point it down to a few hours. My lining looks good according to the doc and she even pointed it out to me. They should be calling with my progesterone levels unless they'll just wait until my appointment next week. I go in next Thursday and the doctor wants me to start fertility medications during the next cycle to increase our chances due to the lower sperm count. I think they'll give me clomid but I guess I'll find out next week.

As of right now we have about 3 to 6 million sperm that could possibly get to the one egg each cycle, as long as we time everything right. If I'm put on clomid then it will give those 3 to 6 million sperm two eggs to possibly get to each cycle. Since I just ovulated, I could possibly be pregnant and I'll know in about two weeks.

These next two weeks will be the longest two weeks of my life. At least I have stuff to do to keep my mind off just wondering if I'm pregnant.

ETA: I got a phone call about my progesterone and my level is 1.86. The nurse said I most definitely ovulated but it was very recently, which I already knew because of my pains yesterday morning and the ultrasound today. YAY! Hopefully we get pregnant!

Until next time,

This One's for the Guys

So Traci and I are currently in our third cycle since having my reversal. It hasn’t been easy for us, but I honestly feel that things will get better. I say that with some reluctance, because this cycle particularly has been difficult. It’s difficult because I have made some mistakes as it pertains to my “duties” in the conception. I do not want to get into the specifics of my flaws (which there are many), but I want any man reading this who is in the same position as me to know that you HAVE to take this seriously if a child is something you truly want.

Some things are easy to forget, and for me, I tend to forget a lot. Luckily I have a wife like Traci, who constantly reminds me of things I need to be doing. I know my reactions to these reminders are not always what they should be, and ultimately I shouldn’t need to be reminded as much as I am. So fellas, take it from me, LISTEN! Get rid of your bad habits, and realize what the goal is. If you want it bad enough you will make the changes. I’m not trying to kiss @$$ here, the few things I have to remember are nothing in comparison to what your spouse has to put up with, especially if you already have children and your spouse is a stay at home Supermom.

Here’s my attempt to give the male demographic an idea of some difficulties I’ve had:

1.       CELL PHONE. If your sperm count is low, just hold that thing in your hand! This is probably the most difficult thing for me to do because I have developed a habit since becoming a cell phone user to just put it in my pocket. This is a huge NO-GO if you are trying to conceive, especially if you are like myself and have had a vasectomy reversal.

2.       SUPPLEMENTS. Once again, these things are designed to help, so why wouldn’t you take them? Well for me, it’s another thing that is sometimes hard to remember. But I will tell you this, THEY WORK! My sperm count increased by approximately 10 million in under two weeks on my supplements. Do what you have to do to remember. Do what you have to do to ensure your spouse doesn’t have to remind you all the time (this factor will come into play later). TAKE THEM TAKE THEM TAKE THEM!

3.       ALCOHOL. They say that drinking a drink every so often won’t impact too awful much. Guess what? Limiting yourself to one drink every so often is difficult if you are accustom to drinking more regularly. It takes self control and a sense of responsibility. Unfortunately, I have difficulty with this. So my recommendation to you is DON’T DRINK! Simple as that.

4.       SEX.  As a man this subject should seem rather simple, show up, get business done, and repeat. Let me tell you that this couldn’t be further from the truth. Although sex during a cycle could seem regimental, don’t think of it as such. Don’t just think of it as a duty to get pregnant. If you know your wife’s cycle schedule, you should have an idea of when you’ll be having sex. Use this opportunity to get closer to your spouse. Take advantage of this time to rekindle the relationship in ways you typically may not have the chance to do. I write this knowing that this is another one of my shortfalls, but will definitely be one of the things will be working on. And remember what I said about the reminders? If your spouse has to constantly get on you about things, that will make the whole sex thing more of a job for the spouse, rather than something special shared between husband and wife.

I believe that open forums and blogs like this one are tools for people to learn from others, and I hope that at least one husband who is trying to become a dad (again for some) will read this and get something out of it. It’s harder than you would think, but can be made easier if you are proactive. Up to this point I have not been the most proactive husband, but in writing this, I have been able to look at myself a little harder to see what needs to be done. Men, take charge of your lives, and help out wherever you can.

Traci, I love you

Everyone else, until next time,

Jay

Cycle #3: Does starting over every month get less frustrating?

Yesterday marked the first day of our third cycle. It's painful to find out every month that our efforts aren't working. I know it's only been two months but there is a lot of emotion that goes into this every time. Though this time I did feel a little bit of relief when I wasn't pregnant, though not much. The relief is because of our impending PCS. If I had gotten pregnant last cycle, I would have been due on April 20th and Jay's report date is April 25th for Fort Shafter, Hi. The stress that keeps compounding each month is that it won't happen before Jay leaves for school in October. Last month my cycle was a little longer than usual so now I don't think we'll be able to try in October before he leaves for school so we have August and September to try and if it doesn't happen then, we can't start trying again until December.

Trying to get pregnant while your spouse is in the military is far more difficult than it should be. Trying to schedule two unmovable events is impossible and extremely stressful for someone like me, someone that likes to plan and schedule everything. I'm sure it will happen eventually, especially with his better numbers.

On the upside, my PCM put in my referral for the RE. Jay had his tests last week and once my referral gets approved I can schedule my appointment with the RE. I really did like the doctor in Tucson. He was completely understanding of our fears and concerns regarding the reversal. Hopefully, having his support will ease our minds and help us get pregnant sooner than later, even if we have to try medications or procedures. Jay and I are still debating on when we think we'd feel comfortable moving on to IUI or even meds. It's hard to swallow that we might need medical assistance when it was so easy with our first two. But I've heard time and time again that our previous pregnancy don't count when it's post-reversal since this changes the entire game for us. I'm wondering if this will get easier for us as time passes or if it will get harder. I suppose only time will tell. I'm stronger than I think. I've been through so much already and I know I can handle this. It's just hard to remember that when you're in the thick of it.

There are my ramblings for today.
Until next time,

New doctors and Fertility Specialists

Last week was rough. Jay had his SA, the numbers weren't great and his doctor didn't have any insight for us at all. There was a referral put in, referral denied by the case manager, Jay fought with her and finally got everything ironed out. Well, today we received the referral in the mail. It's been APPROVED!

Since the referral is for an office in Tucson, we're going to try to get an appointment for after August 7th so that way Jayson will be in school and we'll only have to worry about Eli being in child care. We'll probably put him in hourly care while we make the trip up for the appointment. Hopefully we will have some answers after seeing Dr. Gelety at The Arizona Center for Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility. 

Today is Jay's 30th birthday but we celebrated this past weekend. We really had fun with our friends and it was nice to hang out and not think about getting pregnant for an afternoon. But of course after everyone left we were back to obsessing about it all.

I should be ovulating soon which means after that, we'll just be waiting around to find out if we "caught the egg"! This month seems to be dragging on far slower than last month but at the same time, it seems more relaxed to me. I don't know if Jay feels the same way but we're just enjoying ourselves and hoping it works out for the best.

This month, we've been discussing the possibility of twins a lot more. Yesterday I was even wracking my brain to think of 2nd names if there were twins. I don't know why it's on my mind as of lately but it really is stuck there for the time being. I think it'd be fun and exciting. Something new and challenging for me to conquer. I don't think it'll be easy but I do think it's something out of the ordinary and I like the idea of that. I'm always looking for new challenges though this isn't one I get to decide on. 

In the end, I just hope for a happy, healthy pregnancy and baby or babies. Everything else in between and after will sort itself out in due time. 

Now please excuse me while I check for the 2nd time today for an ovulation LH surge...

Emotional Free-Style

So here I am wondering what the subject for this blog should be. I think that I’m going to just free style the whole thing, so if I tend to ramble, please forgive me.

The last couple weeks have been both a physical and emotional roller-coaster…to say the least. Let’s start at the beginning. Last week I go in for a semen analysis, and guess what…they jacked it up. Turns out the nurse who put the order in only put me in for a sperm count. Now don’t get me wrong, at least the count let us know that all my hoses are connected and allowing sperm through. The only thing is…we can’t tell how healthy they are without a full analysis. So at this point, I need a full work up, but the individuals I spoke with said that they don’t do those on fort Huachuca. Well that ended up being a crock, and do you know who ended up hooking it all up, a private second class in the army…not a nurse or a doctor, so PV2 So and So, I thank you. Then I go in for the full work up, and let me get this out there real quick…some may think that all of this “providing a specimen” may be cool for a guy, but it’s not. It’s one of those things where if you’re being put on the spot and being told you HAVE to do it, it has no appeal. So I get the full work up done, and guess what…my numbers SUCK! Now the cool thing about Traci is, if she thinks something got jacked up, she’ll do what she can to prove it. Now at this point, if you would like to read the details about the arguments and whatnot that took place, feel free to read Traci’s post discussing it, I will fast forward to her pure awesomeness. She decides we should do our own scope. So once again I provide the “study material”, and she puts her lab coat on and gets to work. She of course sees swimmers right away…and a BUNCH of them. The last count I had received was 5 million, where 20 is the minimum norm. She goes through the process to do her own count, and you know what she gets? 52 million (approx). So automatically she believes that someone at the lab screwed up a decimal point. 

Needless to say, I’ve had my fill of the medical staff here. From nurses who can’t relay a simple message, to doctors that don’t know their ass from their elbow, and ESPECIALLY this case manager lady who doesn’t seem to want me to seek out the medical I need. I know Traci feels more strongly about all this than me, and I’m sorry for turning this into a venting session, but its how I feel at this very moment. 

So now we are waiting to go to Tucson to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist guy who is willing to actually help us out a little. We are excited, and hope that things continue to move in a positive direction. If they don’t I feel that me and Traci (sorry hun, I meant Traci and I) will just have to crack some skulls. Metaphorically of course.

til next time,

Jay