Almost one third of the way done!

Today I am 28 weeks pregnant with our little VR baby. He is healthy and going strong. Everything with me seems fine and dandy. My physician put in for my glucose test to be done this week. I just have to decide when I'm going to go in to do it. I hate these tests but I'm just gonna do it since I've never had any issues with them being negative before. I sort of just want to get it over with.

Since I'm healthy and Parker is healthy as of now, I've been thinking a lot about the "what ifs". I know what if's aren't necessarily a good thing to focus on but I want to have a plan, at least a general plan, in place IF something goes wrong. Like *IF* Parker is Breech?! What do I do? Tripler won't let women deliver a baby vaginally breech, no matter what their previous history is. My midwife isn't comfortable doing it at home since I've never delivered vaginally before. So do I succumb to giving birth via repeat cesarean again or do I fight tooth and nail for a vaginal birth because babies turn even in the last minutes?

Last week, I saw my physician for my 27 week check up and she made it clear that if she didn't have my surgical records from my previous cesareans then we would have to schedule a repeat c-section. That was a hard blow for me. Fortunately, when I went down stairs to records they had received my surgical records for my last cesarean but not for my first. Hopefully, that is the best option if we only get one. Wouldn't she want at minimum the most recent surgical record since it'll detail what it was like in surgery after the first surgery healed? Of course I worry anyway. What if we don't get my surgical records from eight years ago? Will she be set on scheduling a repeat surgery? Should I start looking for new doctors now or wait until I see her again to decide?

Then I have my fears. My past experiences haunt me. I won't give up my dreams of giving birth vaginally but my fears still sneak up from time to time. My biggest fear is another emergency c-section. That is the scariest (and more possible) outcome to me. Of course I find death of myself or my baby to be terrifying but it's not as likely a scenario.

I've had two deliveries, of those two deliveries the failure and emergency c-section was the worst. Not only is it soul crushing to fail (for me at least) but the recovery of an 'emergency cesarean' after hours of your body working tirelessly to give birth vaginally is excruciating and depressing. Lifting my infant was a painful chore for weeks, imagine being here with two very active older children on top of a newborn who is in desperate need of my attention at all times. Walking was damn near impossible for almost a week after the emergency cesarean, imagine trying to do anything outside of the home with three children, two of which are active and some what hyper. I couldn't maintain order the way a parent is supposed to. How would I grocery shop, run errands or go to doctors visits?

Of course, I want to give birth vaginally but to fail and end up in a c-section anyway is scary. There is no way to know if that will or won't happen. There is no guarantee that everything will go as planned. I'm preparing myself as best as I can but at the end of the day, I'm still scared of enduring that pain again. Hopefully this time around, I'll have my husband home to help me if I do have to have a c-section. He does get ten days paternity leave, with little to no leave left after our emergency leave. If I am lucky, my mom and sister will be here during the birth or at the very least after he's born (hopefully!) to help me out some but they're only here for a week. Hopefully Jay will be able to help even after his paternity leave by having shorter days or changing shifts to accommodate the family's needs. Only time will tell.

These are just a few of the things on my mind as I near the end of the pregnancy. In the end, things always work out and I'm far more resilient than I give myself credit for. Look at my track record, I've given birth via c-section twice to my babies while my husband was in a war zone. I think that gives me a little bit of "street cred". LOL!

Until next time,

12 down, 28 to go!

This week I hit 12 weeks into the pregnancy. The chance of miscarriage drops greatly after this week, which is a huge relief. Baby's heartbeat is going strong and I even got a peek at baby at my OB appointment during week 11! 

Nausea is still hanging around but it's not too terrible. It's mostly just random spouts of dry heaving. It's not fun but much more tolerable than actually getting sick.

During my OB visit, my OB and I discussed a few things. One of those things is my Medullary Sponge Kidney and how it might affect this pregnancy. Of course, this is something I've had all my life but we recently found out about in the past two years. Since she wasn't sure if it would or wouldn't affect me, she put me in for a consult with Antepartum Diagnosis Center to be sure. Next, we discussed if she felt comfortable with my decision to VBA2C. While I do plan on having a home birth, I need to go into this journey knowing I have back ups if something falls through. If I become to nervous or anxious to birth at home, I want to know that I'm not signing consent to surgery just because I walk into the hospital. She seemed uncomfortable and that's mostly because she's NOT an OB/GYN. She's a family physician that delivers babies. She said she would discuss this with some high risk OBs and see if she can get someone to back her up so that I can TOLAC (Trial of labor after cesarean) and if anything goes wrong, there are surgeons and other emergent medical staff there to assist where my physician can not. I completely understand that. It makes absolute sense to me.

I saw the Antepartum OB this passed Friday and I had a WONDERFUL conversation with him. While walking to his office, he told me he is resident high risk OB. I immediately decided I would bring my plans to VBA2C. Of course we first discussed how my diagnosis could affect my pregnancy, he doesn't believe it will. He suggests that we go forward with this pregnancy just like any other normal healthy pregnancy and if something comes up at my 20 week anatomy scan then we will go from there. Then I told him about my plans to VBAC and asked what I should do since my physician seemed a little nervous about the idea. We discussed my previous births and why I had cesareans. When that was covered, he said I sound like an excellent candidate for TOLAC and that my physician will be completely backed up by OB since they're the ones on call. He even said he'd write her a note stating such. He really made me feel like I could do this! Which I was sooo happy to hear. He was such a great doctor who didn't try to scare me. He did go over the risks of a VBAC but he ALSO went over the risks of a third cesarean! He said as long as I know the risks of my choice, he and the OB clinic would support my decision. Such a wonderful and relieving visit.

To some this might sound silly that I'm so excited about this visit to see my doctors but having someone supportive means the WORLD. There was such a weight on my shoulders that I was worrying myself over how things would go if I didn't have a supportive hospital to back me up if I chickened out of the home birth. I like safety nets.

Now to move forward with my plans and prepare as much as possible before this little monkey arrives! 

Until next time! 

Be Still My Heart

After over a week of trying and searching for the baby's heart beat, I finally broke down and called Crystal to find out what exactly I'm looking for! I've read about it until I thought I knew what I was looking for but evidently I was wrong. I thought I was looking for a fast heart beat of about 150 to 170 bpm but I found out that it can vary depending on the age of the fetus and that as low as 90 bpm to 110 bpm is normal for weeks 7 - 8 but during week 8 it starts to pick up and by weeks 9 - 10  it should be up to 140 to 170 bpm. Of course we are no doctors and we may have even missed a few beats but I had Jay time himself and count the beats for a whole minute and it came out around 91-95 bpm and when we check my pulse to ensure we weren't accidentally listening to my heart beat, mine was about high 70's to low 80's.

Once we were pretty sure we had found the heart beat, we sat and listened for a while. I was the one holding onto the fetal doppler and the probe that locates the heart beat. I found a good spot and just let it sit there. While listening, I didn't move the probe at all and the heart beat started fading in and out and getting stronger and lighter. We were pretty sure by that point that it was baby and not one of my veins or arteries because they wouldn't move around like that. Jay was pretty excited.

For those that don't know, Jay and I have had two boys together but each time I found out I was pregnant Jay was on his way to Iraq. He's missed both pregnancies and births of our first two children and he has no idea what this is like at all. So last night, was his first time hearing one of his babies' heart beats from in the womb.  As we enter the time of midwife appointments, ultrasounds, and OB appointments, Jay will start to see some of the stuff I went through with both previous pregnancies. So far this first trimester has been a little of both my previous ones. With Jayson, I wouldn't have known I was pregnant besides the exhaustion. With Eli, I was sick as a dog most of the time and by the time the 2nd trimester came, I had lost a little bit of weight because of how nauseous I was. This pregnancy has had a little nausea here and there but sometimes I can't tell I'm pregnant except for I KNOW I saw the two lines and I haven't had my cycle since May! lol

I was supposed to have an appointment with the OB yesterday but they called and rescheduled it for August 5th since they want me to be past 10 weeks and I'm not yet. Today marks 8 weeks and 4 days so I will be 11 weeks on the day of my OB appointment. I also have a Midwife appointment on August 2nd and I have already scheduled our 3D/4D ultrasound (we didn't do this with the first two) to find out the gender at 15 weeks. Hopefully we'll be able to find out then, they said they can tell as early as 13 weeks but that seems way too early to me. I'm tempted to change our appointment so it's after I'm 16 weeks but I'm just too anxious to wait! When would you do it? After 16 weeks or after 18 weeks or just wait for the normal 20 week ultrasound?

Let me hear what you have to say!

The beginning of our IVF journey

  Yesterday we had our first appointment to start our IVF cycle. I received four medications. That turned into a debacle trying to get those scripts filled. Which then made me realize that once I start these meds, I'm going to be 100 times worse. I'm going to be given hormones to stimulate my cycle. I feel pity on my husband, my children and any poor soul I encounter in the next 30-45 days. Please pray for them, and me. lol 

   All this stuff starts next week, I have an appointment scheduled for the first day of my cycle. Then, hopefully they will explain to me how all of these medications work, how to take them and when to take them.  I'm feeling very confused and out of the loop on how this all works. The staff doesn't give a whole lot of details on what's happening and how it all works. Hopefully, they will at least explain the drugs and how to take them, when to take them and the appointments we have to make at our next appointment when my cycle starts. Until then, I'm reading what I can online.
   I found this general chart of the flow of IVF. This is helpful because now I have a general timeline. Thank goodness for the internet right?! 

Synarel/Lupron
(Approx. 12-15 days)

Baseline Ultrasound

Stimulation
(Approx. 10-12 days)

Trigger Shot

Egg Retrieval
(36-37 hours after trigger shot)

Embryo Transfer
(3-5 days after retrieval)

Pregnancy Test
(14 days after retrieval)

Ultrasounds
1st - Approx. 6 ½-7 weeks pregnant
2nd - Approx. 7 ½ - 8 ½ weeks pregnant
Release to OB at 8-10 weeks pregnant

The chart and any other information can be found here.

So as long as my cycle starts on time (C'mon Dec 19th!!), my time line is looking like we'd be able to find out if we're pregnant on Feb 1st or so. 

The more I read into this process, the more real it becomes. Let's pray one cycle is all we need! I'm feeling nervous, anxious and scared. At the same time, I'm excited, happy and can't wait to find out if this works. Is it too soon for baby names?? LOL 

Until next time,

Cycle #3: Does starting over every month get less frustrating?

Yesterday marked the first day of our third cycle. It's painful to find out every month that our efforts aren't working. I know it's only been two months but there is a lot of emotion that goes into this every time. Though this time I did feel a little bit of relief when I wasn't pregnant, though not much. The relief is because of our impending PCS. If I had gotten pregnant last cycle, I would have been due on April 20th and Jay's report date is April 25th for Fort Shafter, Hi. The stress that keeps compounding each month is that it won't happen before Jay leaves for school in October. Last month my cycle was a little longer than usual so now I don't think we'll be able to try in October before he leaves for school so we have August and September to try and if it doesn't happen then, we can't start trying again until December.

Trying to get pregnant while your spouse is in the military is far more difficult than it should be. Trying to schedule two unmovable events is impossible and extremely stressful for someone like me, someone that likes to plan and schedule everything. I'm sure it will happen eventually, especially with his better numbers.

On the upside, my PCM put in my referral for the RE. Jay had his tests last week and once my referral gets approved I can schedule my appointment with the RE. I really did like the doctor in Tucson. He was completely understanding of our fears and concerns regarding the reversal. Hopefully, having his support will ease our minds and help us get pregnant sooner than later, even if we have to try medications or procedures. Jay and I are still debating on when we think we'd feel comfortable moving on to IUI or even meds. It's hard to swallow that we might need medical assistance when it was so easy with our first two. But I've heard time and time again that our previous pregnancy don't count when it's post-reversal since this changes the entire game for us. I'm wondering if this will get easier for us as time passes or if it will get harder. I suppose only time will tell. I'm stronger than I think. I've been through so much already and I know I can handle this. It's just hard to remember that when you're in the thick of it.

There are my ramblings for today.
Until next time,

Fertility Specialist Appointment Update

Well, it took a little longer than we had expected to get the referral through so we had to reschedule our first appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). So a few days after cancelling the appointment, we get our referral approval in the mail and we were able to schedule our appointment for August 8th.

Yesterday morning we dropped Jayson off to school and headed to Tucson where the RE's office is. We get there about 30 minutes early, fill out our paperwork and get called back. We sit in a little consult room for about 15-20 minutes before the doctor comes in. He was very nice, listened to us talk and went over our history and concerns with us. Then he went over his plan of action. Since the first day of my last cycle was July 9th, he decided I should do a pregnancy test there in the office to see if I was pregnant before we proceed forward. He also ordered another SA on Jay.

The doctor's plan of action is that if we don't get pregnant on our own in a few months, we will try an IUI with clomid. I don't think he actually gave a time line for when we'll do it. I think 6 months but again, I don't remember him saying a specific time line. In the discussion he mentioned 3-4 months and 6 months but I can't remember if either of these were our time line. He said his biggest concern is to make sure we get pregnant before DH has the chance to scar over or before his counts start to decrease. The doctor wants to continuously monitor Jay to make sure everything is going well but if we see a few SAs that show his numbers declining, the doctor will fast track us to the IUI.

The SA yesterday was much better than last months so I'm happy about that! The SAs were about 3 weeks apart.
             Last Month                               This Month                      Changes
Count    5.2 mil/mL                                 19 mil/mL                        +13.8mil/ml
Motility  20%                                          31.6%                             +11.6%
Morph   90% abnormal                           50% abnormal heads       -40% abnormalities
pH         8.5                                            8.0                                  -0.5
WBC     Not tested                                 0

I'm very pleased to see the improvements across the board. This is very promising and if the improvements keep getting better I have a feeling we'll be pregnant in 2 or 3 more cycles. Unfortunately we only have 2, maybe 3 more cycles before Jay leaves for WOCS for a month. But we can pick right back up in December when he returns.

My blood pregnancy test came back negative but it's quite possible that the numbers just weren't good enough two weeks ago. I'm not late for my period yet. I'm not expecting it until Monday or Tuesday. Yesterday I was 11 days past ovulation. Not trying to say I'm pregnant and the blood test was wrong, but there is a slim possibility. I'm not holding my breath though. I'm just not the type of person that can ignore facts.

Since I believe the blood test is probably acurate, I had a nice big glass of wine last night. It was my first drink since the 4th of July and it was DELICIOUS! lol I think I might need to indulge a little bit more often so I don't feel so deprived of so much. I've been so good while trying to conceive that it's actually starting to stress me out which I believe is probably more harm to the cause than some of things I've cut out. So no more stressing (I'm gonna try) and more relaxing! Just gotta find the ways.

We left the doctor's office after we gave our samples but with out any guidance as to when to schedule our follow up. So Jay called yesterday and the doctor was out on an emergency, (What kind of emergency could a fertility doctor have?) and the office staff said to call back to schedule when I started my period. Alright... but why? What are we doing? I'm so confused. Not that the doctor was confusing but because I forgot to ask when we left the office and that was my bad. Ugh. So hopefully we'll get some answers today.

On to cycle #3 of trying! I'm going to take a new approach to the whole thing this time. Relaxation, no stressing out about getting pregnant. I'm sure I'll stress but hopefully about everyday things like school work and bills instead of pregnancy tests and ovulation kits! lol

Until next time!

Hurry up and wait!

Yesterday, Jay got an email from his patient advocacy manager to let him know that the denied vasectomy reversal referral to Fort Lewis was overturned. The excuse they gave was that the cost of travel, lodging and food would have to come out of pocket. Uh... I was under the impression that we would have to pay for travel, lodging and food no matter where he went. Thankfully the patient advocacy already knew we were willing to pay to go where ever was best and explained this to the Col. who denied it in the first place. 

So, they put in a referral yesterday for Fort Lewis. Hopefully in the next 6 months or so we will receive a call to schedule Jay's pre-op and surgery. Jay called Fort Lewis Urology Department today but they still haven't received the referral. He'll probably call again on Monday to check again and from there we'll play the waiting game. It's going to be a long and stressful time, I'm sure. But we'll try to not stress about it. We have so much other stuff going on that I'm worried that his time with come when he's not able to go and we'll have to wait longer. 

Fortunately and unfortunately, he leaves for training in October. I say fortunately because this means he'll be working towards becoming a Warrant Officer but unfortunately because we have no idea when the phone call will come. He'll return from training early December but start another class here in AZ in January. Which means he won't be able to leave from January to March but again, we have no idea when this phone call will come and if this training schedule will interfere. All we can do is wait on the list and pray that it works out. 

I want to start collecting baby stuff but I know it's still premature to do so. Plus we have no idea what we'll have. Though most people that know us believe we'll have another boy. lol Once we know when the surgery will be and where our next duty station will be, I can start planning out the birth. I'll have to do lots of research on the location, available service and costs. I'm going to fight for a natural birth as hard as I can. I just hope it won't be in vain. 

You're welcome to leave any comments of support and love below!

<3 Traci